Hallowe'en is nearly upon us, dear readers, and given the state of the wider world at the moment, there is a lot to make one scared. So, as if in a bid to add to the world's woes, it is Diary’s sad duty to report that, Michael Fabricant, the self-assessed “socially liberal” member for Lichfield, has had a fundraising idea.
Yes, Michael Fabricant wants to launch an annual naked bike ride to raise money for his local St Giles Hospice in Lichfield. Fabricant’s proposed route would see participants ride from Lichfield to Whittington and, in a bid to raise the event’s profile, Fabricant shot a video of himself riding around on a Boris bike in London, completely nude. He then subsequently posted that video of himself on his own personal Twitter account and, yeah.
Don’t believe Diary? Well, here it is:
Yes sir. There he is; Michael Fabricant sans fabric. Michael no-fabric-ant, if you will. Clad in nought but a pair of wrap-around tea shades, a tie and a pair of trainers, cycling through some park in London to the strains of Queen’s Bicycle Race, on what was apparently quite a brisk spring day.
Look, there’s a lot to unpack in this video. One could argue too much really. There are also plenty of cheap shots Diary could make about any number of things in this video. Like, for example, wondering aloud whether Fabricant's faux curtains adequately match the drapes? But, this column won’t go there, if only in the interests of decency.
“I’m told that naked cycle riding is both healthy and liberating,” says Fabricant in the video. “Bit like St Giles Hospice really”. Exactly how a hospice is “healthy and liberating” may be up for debate, but it is certainly a novel fundraising idea from one of parliament’s more… interesting characters. It was also good of him to wipe the seat of his bike down at the end too, seeing as those go back into public circulation.
So, despite a slight feeling of queasiness, Diary must in the end tip its hat to the member for Lichfield’s honourable member. If and when Lichfield rides, you can rest assured that Diary will, er, cover it.
Jeremy Wrong
Jeremy Wright, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (which also includes all things charity), was being grilled about his job by a committee of MPs. Now Jeremy is no Matt Hancock, and the session was really quite long and focused on the M in DCMS, so Diary was beginning to nod off, until MPs began merrily blaming the Charity Commission for problems with the national lottery.
MPs were perturbed by the fact that Camelot, which operates the National Lottery, introduced changes to its games which led to a humongous increase in its profits, but actually decreased the amount going to “good causes”, which is, um, the point of the lottery.
Wright was asked by a committee member for his view on the Charity Commission’s decision to extend the franchise and without blinking Jeremy confidently responded that this was, and we paraphrase, “very much a matter for the Charity Commission, which regulates the National Lottery as a charity.”
Normally we’d be all for a story in which MPs criticise the Charity Commission, but in this case it is just a little unfair. For our pals at the Charity Commission have literally nothing to do with this because it is, of course, the Gambling Commission that regulates lotteries.
In fairness to Jez, DDCSM is a pretty big department that oversees a number of arms-length and regulatory bodies, so it must be hard to keep track of them all. Maybe he could merge the Gambling and the Charity Commission into one super regulator – the Chambling Commission?
Dogfight
Killjoy canophile charity Battersea (Dogs and Cats Home) hit the news this week with its annual attempt to ruin everyone’s festive period.
The charity got tongues wagging when it issued a warning that dressing dogs in Halloween costumes might be cruel.
Chloe Jackson, canine and behaviour training manager said: “Dogs use body language, particularly their ears and tails, to express their feelings – so putting them in extravagant costumes can limit their natural behaviour and they could end up looking confusing or frightening to other dogs.”
Diary is grateful to learn that Halloween costumes can be scary as it has been waiting for an opportunity to petrify next door’s pooch ever since it left an unwelcome present on Diary’s doorstep last new year’s eve. Sending Archie round there dressed as Pennywise should teach it a lesson.
Some dog owners felt Battersea was barking up the wrong tree. Blogger Kerry Whelpdale appeared on Good Morning Britain with her dog Lulu who was dressed up like a pumpkin. She said: “If she was uncomfortable I would take the outfit off, but honestly she is so happy, she feels like she's one of us.”
Diary would like to agree with Whelpdale, but it couldn’t help being taken aback by Lulu’s facial expression as she turned to camera. To Diary’s horror, there was no joy in Lulu’s eyes, instead embarrassment and ennui. Like a Victorian woman being forced to wear a corset. But maybe that’s just because Lulu wanted to be dressed as Sexy Offred instead.
Today's guest is a pumpkin pooch and is feeling 'fur-ine' in her Halloween costume. pic.twitter.com/aa35pkRU30
— Good Morning Britain (@GMB) 24 October 2018
Donald Trump (again)
Who do you think might want to pay $10,000 dollars for a picture of Donald Trump, donated to a charity auction by – wait for it – Donald Trump?
That’s right. It’s the Donald Trump Foundation, which shelled out that ludicrous sum of cash for a picture of everyone’s favourite weapons-grade plum because, oddly, no one else wanted it.
Apparently the foundation just put the money up “to get the auction started” but oddly enough, it didn’t get started, because no one wanted a painting of Trump, because he’s a pillock.
It's safe to say, Diary feels, that ten thousand pictures of dead presidents could deliver more public good than one picture of a live one.
Anyway, this nugget of information came to us from the trial of Donald Trump and much of the rest of his family, which is currently taking place in New York. It’s one of a bazillion charges that he misused his foundation for personal gain, which are currently making their way through the courts.
It’s probably fair to say that Diary takes a mild dislike to those who abuse their charitable foundations for personal gain, and mock the disabled, and sexually assault young women, and praise people who physically assault others, and repeatedly lie to the public.
But other than that, this column has no strong feelings one way or the other about the president of the United States of America.
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