Another week has come and gone dear readers and, yeah how’s everyone feeling? Good? Good. It’s been quite a nice one really, the week that was. To be fair, David Davis could at least have taken a pen with him to Brussels but, yeah, it’s all fine.

This week in the world of charity sector satire: the Arts Council intervenes on behalf of latte-swilling, rollie-smoking, melting snowflake millennials everywhere and, it is with a heavy heart that Diary must report that Katie Hopkins is Katie Hopkinsing again.

Young people, this theatre needs YOU! (to work for less than minimum wage)

Oh, millennials. What are they like? Frittering away their pennies and pounds on smashed avocado sourdough and ethically sourced Ethiopian flat whites, when they should be putting it in an ISA account. Millennials, tapping away at their WhatsApps and their Facebooks when they should be bashing out CVs and getting jobs.

Millennials, voting for that scruffy-looking Socialist geography supply teacher Corbyn when they should have been putting whatever passes for their eggs these days in May’s strong and stable basket. The bank of Mum and Dad has closed, millennials, there’s no such thing as a Magic Money Tree after all (unless you’re a far-right, Christian conservative from Ballymena).

Ah, but don’t even get Diary started on millennials who have the temerity, the bald faced effrontery to apply for jobs in the arts sector and want to get PAID A LIVING WAGE FOR IT!

Thankfully, there’s at least a few theatre directors left out there in PC-Britain who feel the same way Diary does. Yes, the Tea House Theatre in South London has made the headlines this week for finally standing up to these lazy, feckless, spoilt young people by rubbing these qualities in their face in the most stinging of ways: through a job advert.

Two theatre directors, who don’t sound at all like they're in their late 60s, Eton-educated and pine for the days before the word ‘tramp’ became an offensive one, popped a job advert for an office administrator up on the Arts Council’s website last week and, yeah, it’s a doozy.

“Dear Millenials,” begins the job description. “As a professional company in the arts industry for the best part of twenty years; grafting, scraping, cap in hand to angels and funding bodies and occasionally getting lucky. Surviving on our box office, breaking even and revelling in the success that in the real world that is. It saddens me to be putting this advert up for the third time in as many months.”

Strong opening gambit there. It’s called show BUSINESS kids, not show… holiday(?) but if you think they’re done being patronising, obnoxious and frankly down right self-defeating, then oh my, you’d be wrong.

“Are you just not taught anything about existing in the real world, where every penny counts. Did no one teach you that the end of your studies is the beginning of your education?” Then there’s a long screed about how successful they’ve been through hard work and graft and toil and fortitude and, no doubt, keeping calm and carrying on… channelling their inner Winston Churchill, their inner Nelson. Blood, sweat and tea – lots and lots of milky, builder’s tea.

They go on, extolling the virtues of age and graft (and free tertiary education and affordable housing) over youth and an exuberant intake of K cider and existential, austerity-driven despair. “One old lady used to run the whole of Mountview Academy (no, Diary’s not got a clue either) with an IBM computer, it shouldn’t be this hard.”

Finally, in a rousing battle cry designed surely to really stoke the fires of some desperate youngster with a head full of dreams and a heart full of desperation, these chaps declare loftily: “We need a grafter, who can commit. The absolute dogs in office skills”.

Quick sidebar, before we continue. What exactly does that sentence mean? Do they want the ‘top’ dogs in office skills? Or do they want someone who has the characteristics of a dog? Tenancious yet lovable and cuddly. Or do they literally want someone, a human person, that they can treat like a dog and who, for the privilege, they will pay circa £16,000 a year to. IN LONDON, of all places. Food for thought, that.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Dear Diary Scribe. Try inserting a comma into the word dogs, and a word afterwards describing a part of the human anatomy, possessed only by the highest paid individuals at the BBC, and you'll get what they're on about.)

Anyway they continue, saying the applicant must be able to run both a paper and digital filing system, keep track of a “huge to-do list”, create and manage “business systems” which sounds way above most people’s pay grade and basically, do just about anything and everything else that needs doing.

It finishes: “We have not been impressed so far”. No, no indeed. Seems that no one has been particularly impressed by this, to be honest.

Anyway, Arts Council of England have taken the job advert down as it breached its terms by targeting a specific age group. BEST OF LUCK WITH THE JOB SEARCH LADS!

STC distances itself from KT

One of Diary’s colleagues was in Crete the early part of last week and, yeah, he said it was great. There’s nothing quite like the smell of the salt being swept off of the Mediterranean by a gentle sea breeze. The sun bearing down, at once baking hot but also soothingly warm, and the waves lapping softly against the bright white silica sands. Oh, the Med in summer is truly such a wonderful place… unless, that is, you’re a refugee migrant.

Enter Katie Hopkins. She’s taken leave of these shores to have a summer holiday of her own. According to her Twitter, she’s been meeting up with a heady blend of holocaust deniers and so-called ‘alt-right’ racists in Sicily, chartering a boat and going out into the Mediterranean to STOP refugees from successfully making landfall.

Save the Children has been forced to issue a strongly worded statement denying another Hopkins' tweet which suggested she had “spent time” with the crew of one of the charity’s ships whilst ostensibly “investigating what she believes is collusion” between NGOs and people traffickers.

The Mail online subsequently ran an article based on the above theme, which had a lifecycle online of less than two hours before it was taken down.

STC subsequently said: “Katie Hopkins has not spent time with the crew of Save the Children’s search and rescue ship.

“Nor will she set sail with us on any of our rescue missions. Our crew are busy stocking the ship with life jackets, food and water in preparation to search, rescue and save lives, in response to the instructions of the Italian Coast Guard.”

Hardly surprising really, given that Hopkins once called for gunboats to be sent into the Mediterranean instead of lifeboats. Anyway, she did tweet this picture of herself looking like an unused extra from a Duran Duran music video.

Look and laugh, dear readers. Look and laugh.