Another week down and, with the prospect of yet another long weekend looming, this column is feeling decidedly sanguine about itself and, indeed, the world at large. Just don’t mention the election…
This week in the weird and wacky world of charity: a man in a gorilla suit may have just about finished the London Marathon, Rob Wilson takes a page out of Brooks Newmark’s playbook and Macmillan capitalise on #EdBallsDay.
Talk about a great ape
So, it was the London Marathon last weekend. That glorious time of the year when the city of London comes together to marvel at the fortitude and commitment of thousands of people who push themselves to the physical limits to raise money for charity.
This column has it on decent authority that a good marathon time for an amateur runner is anything under three and a half hours. Maybe four, depending on the conditions. However, one chap is – quite possibly – still out there on the circuit, likely about to complete the slowest ever circumnavigation of the famous marathon course.
In fairness to the fella, not only is he dressed in a gorilla suit but, for reasons that aren’t entirely apparent to this or, indeed, any other column, he’s crawled the whole way. 26.2 miles on his little furry hands and knees.
Yes, dear readers, 41-year-old Tom Harrison is doing the marathon ‘gorilla-style’ to raise funds for The Gorilla Organization.
The director of the charity has reportedly said she’s “very proud” of Mr Harrison who, according to the BBC, was about halfway round the course on Tuesday – three days after the first runners set off.
Most amusingly, in this column’s opinion anyway, was the BBC’s description of Mr Harrison: “When not dressed as an ape, the north London father-of-two is a policeman”. Very droll.
Obviously, Harrison has been chronicling his epic journey on social media, calling himself Mr Gorilla. This is not the first time he’s dressed as a great ape to raise money for The Gorilla Organization either: he (upright) ran the London Marathon in his suit last year and, in January, swam the Thames. The Thames, in January!
Gorillas aren’t known as great swimmers but, well, whatever.
He’s reportedly trying to raise around £2,000, which will pay for “at least three months’ worth of supplies and salaries for a team of rangers protecting gorillas in Eastern Congo”, according to the charity*.
Truly a noble goal and, yet, this column suspects that you dear reader wouldn’t quibble when it says that Mr Gorilla is totally bananas for even attempting this! Still, he’s definitely not a gorilla to be missed. Get it? Gorillas in the mist and, ah forget it.
This column will be solemnly picking lice and fleas out of its colleagues fur in honour of Mr Gorilla as he passes the finish line at some point today, provided he doesn’t get run down by a black cab on the Mall, or accidently tranquilised and dragged back to the London Zoo.
*Editor's note: a perfunctory look at Mr Gorilla's JustGiving page shows that he has now raised over £22,000, a cool 1,200-odd per cent over his original target. Fair play!
Stick to your knitting II
Remember Brooks Newmark, the erstwhile former minister for civil society with a penchant for antagonising the charity sector and sending (albeit solicited) pictures of his genitals to journalists? Ah, we all had a little fun with Brooks, didn’t we?
Indeed. As mentioned above, Newmark’s time in government is perhaps best remembered for his Guido Fawkes dickture (a portmanteau, if you're interested) but he also did manage to upset the entire UK charity sector by telling them all to “stick to their knitting”.
His remarks were widely condemned at the time, and, like a mighty lodestone or fearsome albatross around his neck, periodically returned to haunt and hound him.
It is perhaps odd then that, given all the knitting related hurt that has gone before, Rob Wilson, the current minister for civil society has taken to Twitter this morning - in the cut and thrust of a snap election no less – to once again call on charities to take up their needles and twine.
Can you knit? @RBNHSFT visitors, patients & staff encouraged to get knitting Dignity Shawls & Knee Blankets for #DressedforDignity campaign. https://t.co/RZrYZThkac
— Rob Wilson MP (@RobWilson_RDG) April 28, 2017
Oh Rob. What’s the old adage about those who refuse to learn from history? It does seem to follow a pattern of behaviour in Tory charity ministers though, this whole knitting thing. Fingers cross(stitch)ed the whole thing might yet unravel and Diary will be left with a ripping, good yarn.
Also, dear reader, if you yearn to watch daily video updates of our fearless leader out on the campaign trail in the run up to the 8 June election, then do sign up for Rob’s newsletter. If the first few videos are anything to go by, a black and white picture of Winston Churchill will feature almost as heavily as Rob himself.
#CheckyourballsonEdBallsDay
Happy #EdBallsDay people! Being neither a particularly religious (nor loving) column, Diary would argue that Ed Balls Day is a far better (pseudo) holiday than Christmas, Easter, Kwanza or anything else.
Today marks the day, six years ago, that Ed Balls - the then shadow home secretary – took up his iPhone and, for reasons entirely unknown, tweeted out his own name. Ed Balls.
Anyway, Macmillan Cancer Support has also taken to Twitter today to celebrate #EdBallsDay with a timely reminder to all men out there to, well, yeah.
Happy #EdBallsDay! You know what this means - check your balls! Don't know how? Take a look at our handy guide! pic.twitter.com/kHk6FEEJnN
— MacmillanCancerInfo (@mac_cancerinfo) April 28, 2017
At once both a concise guide and, all things being considered, quite an artful illustration too. It was good of the artist to focus simply on the Balls.
Ah, #EdBallsDay is great, isn’t it?
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