Another week has come and gone. Seven steps closer to the grave. Seven more tiny nails in the coffin. Was it Bob Dylan who said that he that ain’t busy being born is busy dying? It’s wet and windy outside, the nights are closing in and, with the darkness comes the promise of frosty mornings and an icy chill in the air.
Truly, friends, a grim prospect is in the offing. Nine months or so more of dark, grey days and endless nights. The trees are withering, the leaves and flowers are dying, and there's nothing to look forward to until Christmas if, indeed, one can even enjoy Christmas at all. Surrounded by nothing but disappointing presents, troughs of food and centrist dads. Every one of your family, even (in fact especially) your mother, a total centrist dad…
In case you haven’t guessed, Diary is hungover. Anyway, this week in charitable sector satire: fair play to a Third Sector reporter for eliciting one decent knock knock joke, a wellness blogger gets her just desserts and Chelmsford Council fines local business for fundraising.
Belle ends up with massive fine
First off this week, TO AUSTRALIA! A giant island beset by endless summers, humongous spiders and more than a little ingrained casual racism and Diary has that on good authority from a guy on the team who was born there.
We catch up with Belle Gibson, the ‘disgraced wellness blogger’ who falsely claimed to have cured brain cancer with clean eating. Not only did she con people into buying her ‘The Whole Pantry’ cookbook and related tat, she also falsely claimed to be donating the proceeds of said cookbook to charities.
The proceeds of said cookbook were apparently going to charity. And this was not quite true. In that the proceeds of said cookbook were not going to charity, as she claimed, but into her bank account.
A court has ordered Gibson to pay a more than £240,000 fine for five contraventions of the law “relating to false claims that the proceeds would go to various charities”.
In perhaps the understatement of this and many proceeding centuries, the judge in the case said 28-year-old Gibson had been “cavalier about the truth”. Yes, indeed. Gibson has also failed to turn up to a single civil court hearing which the judge said demonstrates Gibson’s “relentless obsession with herself”.
On the plus side, the company Gibson set up of the back of her stupid cookbook sales – Inkerman Road Nominees – has now gone into liquidation.
Sved’s dead (funny), baby
Diary rather wishes it had thought of this frankly but, yeah, Third Sector reporter Rebecca Cooney sent out a tweet this week calling on the sector to come up with some door-to-door fundraising knock knock jokes. And as in Field of Dreams, Cooney built it and the sector came.
Now, Diary’s not necessarily a massive fan of KK jokes. For a start they’re only a K away from being total racists. For another, they’re almost universally bad, in the kind of way that only a knock knock joke can be bad. The groan elicitor. The wince instigator. The head shake maker. The dad joke.
That being said, amongst the thread of truly, truly awful jokes that sector bods sent to Cooney, there was this absolute belter from your mainest man Richard Sved.
Knock knock
— Richard Sved (@richardsved) September 29, 2017
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan signature here and you can change lives!
Absolute scenes. If the day job gets too much, Sved could take his show on the road. Can see him up on stage at some regional comedy club, taking audiences down with that kind of banter.
Having said that, some people in the sector really need to take a good, long, hard look at themselves because some of those jokes went beyond the pale. They weren’t just bad. They were… it’s hard to think of an accurate adjective to use to describe some of them without popping a swear in front. And readers don’t want to catch Diary having a cheeky swear.
Icing on the cake
As with the trajectory of many lives, we must finally alight in Essex where a firm has been fined for not having appropriate signage for its fundraising cake morning.
Yes, Chelmsford Council has issued the workers of Connells (Estate Agents, apparently) with a £100 fine for sticking a flyer promoting its Macmillan Cancer Support fundraiser on an A-frame outside its offices. The council’s acts have been called by, at least one local (who works in this office), ‘uncharitable’. Also, Diary’s got it on good authority there is some kind of problem with a carpark and Meadows, apparently, but maybe that’s one for another time.
One of the workers said: “We are trying to save lives. Would you put a parking ticket on an ambulance or fire engine?” Now, as statements go, that might be a bit strong, but the intent is certainly right.
The council for its part has released a rather officious, heartless and bland statement to the effect that Public Space Protection Orders are in place for reasons and charities are not exempt.
It seems that, in terms of fundraising event signage in this very particular part of Essex anyway, Chelmsford Council has proven once and for all that you truly can’t have your cake and eat it. Or something.
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