It’s Friday once more, and the sun is shining again which is a relief after the slightly underwhelming terrors of Storm Brian. In the week that was, the UK was shocked to discover that the student intake of Oxford and Cambridge universities are overwhelmingly made up of white, middle-class, gillet-and-chino wearing, toffs (quelle surprise!) and Donald Trump, in his ongoing attempts to distract everyone from his (allegedly) treasonous collusion with the Kremlin, released some papers on the assassination of JFK. VERY INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week in charitable sector satirical content: Westminster once more goes to the dogs, Mao ZeCorbyn watches some television on television, and an old lady who finished mid-table in last year’s GBBO has started a JustGiving page. Go on and have it!

Paw-litics is just a popularity contest

It’s that time of the year again, the one Society Diary marks every year in its own, slightly smaller, society diary. The 25th annual Westminster Dog of the Year competition was held in Victoria Tower Gardens yesterday. 12 MPs from across the political and geographical divides of Britain took to the field with their hounds to do battle in front of a judging panel drawn from divers experts from the Dogs Trust, the Kennel Club and last year’s winner Jonathan Reynolds MP.

This column is happy to report, in the least party-political way possible, that the Corbyn-mania which swept the Labour party to the most honourable defeat since the Vietnam War in the last snap election carried over to the Westminster Dog of the Year competition. Tracy Brabin, Labour MP for Batley and Spen and her chocolate Labrador Rocky, carried the day.

The best thing about the Westminster Dog of the Year competition – apart from all the pictures of all the very good dogs, obviously – are always the quotes from the winning MP. Diary can’t help but wonder if they’re scripted, or given off the cuff. Imagine getting a professional speech writer to draft an award acceptance speech absolutely laden with canine puns.

Brabin’s effort isn’t too bad. She said: “I am delighted to have won Westminster Dog of the Year with my terrific pooch Rocky. He had such a fantastic day, meeting all the other ‘paw-litical’ candidates and I’m really thrilled that he managed to wag his way to victory. I am very proud that he has been part of an event that promotes responsible dog ownership.”

‘Paw-litical’ is good. Although, ‘wag his way to victory’ isn’t so much a pun as an explanation of how a dog’s tail works. Not a classic, to be honest.

Anyway, a couple of Tories – and their lovely dogs, oooh they’re so cuuuute – brought up the pack in second and third place respectively. Really though, does anyone care about who won and lost? This is all about looking at the dogs. So. Many. Good. Boys!!!

*Audible panting. Rolls up on the floor and goes to sleep*

Goggle(dispatch)box*

A quick one, before we begin, but does anyone actually like the TV show Gogglebox? As in, actively enjoy the experience of effectively watching other people watching television on television? Society Diary can’t believe it. Still, whoever pitched the show to Channel 4 is clearly a genius. The whole thing must cost about £1.50 to make and, yet, despite it being utterly pointless, it is apparently one of the most successful and best loved shows in the UK.

Anyway, the BBC got a scoop earlier this week when it reported that Che Jeremy Corbyn, the Red Menace/Absolute Boy threatening the very fabric of British society, as the Daily Mail understands it anyway, will be appearing in a special Stand up to Cancer episode of Gogglebox.

Jez will be sharing a sofa with a “mystery celebrity” according to the Beeb and, let Diary be the first to call for that celebrity guest to be Theresa May! Imagine the absolute scenes. The awkward banter. Theresa’s eyes rolling, nostrils flaring, absolutely butchering a slurp of builder’s tea down her patchwork blouse, sitting next to Uncle Jez – no doubt not wearing a poppy, or something equally outrageous – in his supply teacher suit, with his top button undone, slagging off the Queen and calling for the downfall of Western democracy. Oh the japes!

Diary hates Gogglebox, but if they get the PM on with Jeremy, it would definitely watch.

*Go on then, you do better.

Icing on the cake

Finally this week, it’s come to Society Diary’s attention that Val – the elderly lady who came exactly in the middle of last year’s Great British Bake-Off cast, and subsequently sunk completely without trace – is planning to walk the Great Wall of China to raise money for ChildLine.

She’s set up a JustGiving page, which has received well over £2,000 in donations from the public. There are also, rather helpfully, some pictures of Val training. Helpful in that, had those pictures not been there, Diary wouldn’t have remember which one Val off of last year’s GBBO was.

Ah yes, that one. The world’s third most famous Val, after obviously Kilmer and, possibly Holly (Vallance). Although, upon closer inspection, Diary’s not entirely sure that one counts.

Anyway Val, as both an ex-head teacher and a mother, will be raising money for ChildLine. She’s also walking with three friends, one of whom is separately raising money for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust. A pair of very fine charities indeed.  

Val may very well already be in China, walking the wall right now. If so, best of luck with it! Diary hopes you… rise to the challenge. If you’re of a mind, throw a few quid her way, because she really… kneads the dough.

Sorry.