Yet another week has come and gone. More grains of sand through the hourglass of time. Another inch of one foot is lowered into the grave. Yet another week on the campaign trail for this God-forsaken snap election of doom and… STOP THE PRESSES! TIM FARRON SPENT TUESDAY RIDING AROUND BURNHAM ON SEA AT LOWTIDE IN A SEARCH AND RESCUE HOVERCRAFT! THIS IS THE GREATEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED ANYWHERE EVER. Oh yeah, and there’s some other stuff too.
Tim Farron’s not just blowing hot air
So this snap election so far has been absolutely dire, at least in this column’s humble opinion. It’s not even been dire in an interesting sort of way – although, Jeremy Corbyn’s car did drive over some poor bloke’s foot yesterday. The Tories have been running with ‘strong and stable leadership’, which, if one thinks about it for too long, is so maddeningly bland (and disingenuous) a phrase as to induce a rage stroke. Doesn’t seem to be hurting them too much in the polls, however.
Meanwhile Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party continue to limp along, being genuinely ineffective in a kind of pleasant, befuddled way. Of course, Labour’s manifesto got leaked this week and all the right wing tabloids began to froth and foam at the mouth, decrying all the policies – like abolishing university tuition fees and possibly nationalising some energy firms, and the Royal Mail which seems like quite a good idea actually, but anyway – as essentially a Marxist plot to plunge Great Britain back into the 1970s (when Margaret Thatcher was in charge).
In other words, the whitewash seems to still be on the cards. Everything is bad and bland and boring and… HOLY MOLY IS THAT TIM FARRON ON A HOVERCRAFT?
Yes, Tim Farron the leader of the Liberal Democrats, spent his Tuesday on the campaign trail in coastal Somerset where, among other things – including being labelled a traitor by elderly, white Brexit voters – he took a spin in the Burnham Area Rescue Boat Search and Rescue Hovercraft. Or, if you prefer acronyms, BARBSRH.
Anyway, if you’ve not seen the pictures then Diary would strongly suggest that you check them out. Strapped into his little search and rescue, hi-vis boiler suit thing, with his helmet and goggles on, it must be said that Tim Farron looked the part. He looked pretty cool actually, all things being considered.
Tim Farron and Tessa Munt speeding out to sea in a search and rescue hovercraft. pic.twitter.com/WuipRNirkC
— Laura Silver (@laurafleur) May 9, 2017
However, and Diary can only speculate here, but it would seem that instead of the much-prophesised Tory landslide, Farron looked more worried by the prospect of the incoming high-tide. Not entirely sure if that’s a joke, as such, but landslide and high-tide certainly rhyme at least.
After his floaty sojourn, Farron was asked by a gaggle of political journos what exactly he’d been up to, wizzing around the Somerset dunes on top of an inflatable skirt powered by a giant fan? Politicians are supposed to blow hot air, not ride it!
“That was great, and it shows they are the fourth emergency service,” he’s reported to have told the humming throng, presumably referring to the hovercraft he’d just jumped out of and not the small huddle of actual Liberal Democrat supporters who’d come down to watch their dear leader whizz around on a bare, windswept and desolate piece of coastline in a bright-orange hydrofoil.
Not only was this a great photo-op for the Lib Dems and for Farron himself, but – should the election go particularly badly for him – it must be comforting to know that Farron could always throw his hat into the ring to be the next actor to play James Bond.
However, in the interests of political fairness and not showing a hint of bias, this column thinks it is only right and proper for BARB to invite Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn and (why not, we’re not the BBC here after all) Caroline Lucas along to ride a search and rescue hovercraft too!
HOVERBANTS pic.twitter.com/3JXQCQtweo
— Laura Silver (@laurafleur) May 9, 2017
Fat cats and hot dogs
This is basically Diary’s favourite time of the year. We’re coming up on the finals of PDSA’s Pet Fit Club – a competition run by the charity since 2005 which takes some of the UK’s fattest domesticated animals (that aren’t livestock, anyway) and puts them on a crash diet and exercise regime.
Now, it’s all come down to the final seven: a full list of which can be viewed here. This column’s hands-down favourite is the gingernut cat Milo (who looks like he enjoys eating Gingernuts), who weighs a whopping 1st 12lbs. This is a cat we’re talking about here people, not a cannonball, a particularly juicy watermelon or… a stone and 12 one-pound weights.
Anyway, as it does every year, this column wishes the Pet Fit Club participants all the best on their epic weight loss journeys.
To borrow a line this column has used before for just such an occasion, it would be remiss of Diary not to remind everyone of the rules of PDSA’s Pet Fit Club. The first rule of PDSA’s Pet Fit Club is: you do not talk about PDSA’s Pet Fit Club. The second rule of PDSA’s Pet Fit Club is: you do not feed your cat chicken tikka masala.
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