Happy Friday, dear readers! We hope that in this Valentine's week you have all that your heart desires, or at least that you weren't stood up last night and spent the evening guzzling champagne and devouring the chocolates intended to share with your significant other.
Anyway in charity sector satire this week we unpick the government's plans to add journalism to the list of list of charitable purposes, a topic we hope you'll agree that Diary is uniquely well placed to comment on, and look at some balanced reporting of the issues facing charity shops.
Unlucky thirteen
Diary was delighted to see that the government is looking at making ‘the pursuit of journalism’ charitable purpose. Wonderful Diary (and its publisher) can benefit from a whole host of tax cuts and grant funding (sidebar: does anyone know of any grantmakers that offer funding to cover the cost of gin or chocolate for stressed out journalists?).
But wait, there are already 12 charitable purposes so adding ‘journalism’ would make… 13. What are they thinking? Everyone knows 13 is the unluckiest of all the numbers, Diary has hid behind the sofa during several horror films that attest to that fact.
So what should we do? Think of a 14th purpose? But that seems like too much work. We’ll have to scrap one of the existing ones. Diary is calling for a full public consultation on each of the existing 12 purposes to see which could go. Here are some initial thoughts to help people decide:
- The prevention or relief of poverty: could argue this is no longer needed, universal credit has ended poverty;
- The advancement of education: scrapping this would solve the perennial issue of whether independent schools are really charities;
- The advancement of health or the saving of lives: Diary recalls a message on the side of a bus promising Brexit would lead to squillions more pounds for the NHS so health charities can probably shut up shop;
- The advancement of environmental protection or improvement: It’s already too late. The planet is basically doomed so there probably isn’t much point trying to encourage more reuse and recycling.
Charity sex shops
Its with a grim sense of inevitability and resignation that diary must report that a national newspaper has been writing about charities again. It never ends well.
“A historic cathedral city street is now so overrun with charity shops that traders are calling for them to be licensed to curb their spread,” reports Diary’s favourite outrage-monger, the Daily Mail.
Yes, it’s that old favourite – charities receiving business rates relief on their shops while poor downtrodden commercial retailers have to pay up. Never mind that its actually, er, the internet that is doing most to kill high street retailers, and specifically large-scale tax avoiders like Amazon, by making it cheaper and easier for people to buy things from their home rather than traipse the streets of Worcester.
But wait, let’s hear them out. I’m sure the honest traders of Mealcheapen Street will have a reasoned argument for us. Well once Diary had scrolled past blow-by-blow images of LITERALLY ALL 20 SHOPS ON SAID STREET, we find our source. Note that’s source singular.
Yes, the Mail has based its story on the opinion of just one man, Mr Tim Smith, who runs a country sports store founded in 1812.
“This was a busy street but they are killing it. The way it's going, I fear that in five years there won't be any independent shops left.”
Yes that’s right, it’s the charity shops wot done it. No matter that independent shops around the country are closing quite of their own accord, and charity shops are merely filling the gap left behind. Nor that they are in fact helping to bring footfall onto our dilapidated high streets from which commercial retailers also benefit.
Smith’s best moment is his proposal for regulation. “If they were licensed in the same way as, say, a sex shop, the council would have control over which ones can open and could say no.”
So is that where we are now? Charity shops are akin to sex shops? Whatever turns you on mate.
Anyway, Diary will leave it to the sector’s own Johnny Five to give the critique:
Yeah, let's close 'em all down and really finish the high streets off. Then let's just chuck all our rubbish in a big hole in the ground and finish the planet off. Then let's stand by and watch all the good charities do with the money cease, leading to more social decay & misery https://t.co/jh7hDLoqfP
— Johnny Five (@JTCHANGINGBIZ) February 9, 2019
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