In this week’s satirical charity sector round-up, a Cold War cold open and Ed bloody Balls is only bloody dancing again.
A sub-par submarine joke
Somewhat older readers of this column may well remember the Cold War. They may remember the ‘duck and cover’ school drills, and the constant threat of imminent nuclear annihilation. They’ll remember Gorbachev and Kennedy. The Berlin Wall and the Vietnam War. Even, perhaps, British Leyland.
Older readers may also remember David Dickinson, the day-time television staple synonymous with broad, pinstripe-suits, obnoxiously large pocket-squares, Bargain Hunt and, of course, that ageless, catastrophic mullet.
So what does David Dickinson have to do with the Cold War? Well, a Barnardo’s in northern Wales has uncovered the original blueprints of a Cold War-era submarine.
Apparently staff at a Barnardo’s store in Porthmadog, Gwynedd, were mildly surprised to discover a document showing details of the former £200m HMS Trafalgar, in a suitcase otherwise filled with books - John Le Carre novels, presumably.
Anyway, the shop manager took the impressively sized blueprints (6ft wide, according to reports) to be looked at by experts, and David bloody Dickinson just happened to be hanging around in Porthmadog as it was.
Now Barnardo’s are planning to auction off the declassified blueprints and, maybe, keep the proceeds.
This story just goes to show that one doesn’t have to dive too deep into the treasures on offer at any of one’s local high-street’s numerous charity shops to find something incredible. One in the eye for Jeremy Vine and BBC Radio 2.
It’s also a chance for Diary to say its favourite nautical joke. You ready? Here goes: ‘What’s long, hard and full of seamen?’
No, it’s not David Dickinson. It's a submarine.
Ed tu, Balls?
Diary has what can often best be described as a ‘love hate’ relationship with press releases.
Sure, a good press release is the bread and butter of any editorial desk. However, by that same token, the best part 70 per cent of press releases that comes across Diary’s inbox are - to be kind - appallingly written, badly pitched and, generally, of absolutely no use to man nor beast. Really, it's hard to describe how bad they actually are.
Every now and then however, one gets something like this: ‘Former politician Ed gets Ballsy with journalists for Cancer Research UK’.
Well, colour Diary intrigued. I mean, the play on word for 'Ballsy' is frankly so forced and ham-fisted as to be laughable. Also, does anyone actually use the word 'ballsy' in day-to-day parlance? Do they?
Anyway, let’s proceed before Diary gets too hot under the collar on that one. It appears that CRUK has hosted some sort of event in which politicians quiz journalists, and it's raised some money.
Poor Ed Balls. He used to be famous for economic prognostication and buffaloing opposition politicians. Now he's famous for dad dancing. Although he seems happy to take what he can get.
“After an intense interview with Mishal," the press release goes on. "Ed lightened the atmosphere by showcasing some of his finest Strictly Come Dancing moves, treating the journalist and guests to an impromptu dance lesson.”
Sigh. See picture above. £80,000 was raised for CRUK, but at what cost?
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